Fuck Yeah U.S. History

Step back, son

This ain’t no Danny Rasmussen shit

I’m talking about hitting you with something

That’s gonna make your toes curl

Working the ‘chives like my name was Braudeleezy

Setting up paradigms like I was Freddy Jack

Turning your screws with some post-post-mo

Dropping interventions so hard whole continental plates crack

Hofstadter?

Shit, kin

Fool never set foot in the tombs

I’m running this joint like C Viggle Wiggle

Working harder than you, thinking larger than you

I got whole Presidential Libraries on my external hard drive

So many interviews on tape your girl calls me big SOHPpa

Running microfilm ten machines at a time

My CV so swole

The departmental webpage needs its own server

Publications so deep

Billy the Barbarian’s all, “take it slow, save something for later”

E Foney phoning me

For a Reconstruction chapter in the New New American History

I got research for books

That I’ll just leave for the archives

So your grand kids can ride my coattails

All the way to Research 1 jobs

So don’t say I didn’t warn you

When I’m turning down offers from Ivys

Collecting book prizes like they were Ken Griffey rated rookies

Sending you grad students that just don’t cut it

Naming my own chair with a 1-0-0 load

Cause I’m gunning for that OAH spot

And you’re gonna want to say you know me

Let’s get one thing straight:

My balls are enormous

For real

These clods have no idea the magnitude

Of the acorns hanging on this tree

You think any of these Ivy beleaguered, boat-rowing, movie-star boning

Peckerwood clipboards could hold a candle

To the shit that I’m throwing around on the daily?

I got Hagar on speed-dial, son

Cause I gotta get that shit custom made

Just because I keep the number wired

Doesn’t mean I want to ride around on one

And don’t get me started

On these ‘watered-down Republican’ts

Gold-digging like 49ers, throwing hail marys all over

Have you even looked at my numbers?

Cause if you have, maybe you need to try looking closer

Or getting new prescriptions in those thick-ass glasses

I’m all up in six-four like a roan stud in a bullfrog’s ass

This is the second coming, on the eff dee rigiggly tip

I’m talking about the Last Deal, the newest in new

Dropping affluence like J Kenny Galbraith

Pushing fools around Hill halls like sandwich carts

Still not getting this?

Call HR 7152

And ask the operator to explain it to your dumbass

But for your own sake, nephew

Don’t make me pull it out on you

Can you believe this shit?

Don’t think for a minute

That these pretenders can run an end-around

Keeping my name out of their mouth

While I’m kicking it breezy

Lounging in prison cells

Gathering votes by the million

My Wobble so strong

Fools stand by Gomping

Chomping on cigars

Slipping on coattails

Cause they know

They’re gonna get shipped out like Leahy

Stripped down like JJ Jeffreezy

Shaking in their monocles

Quaking like aught-sixers in their collared shirts

Cause I’m calling them out Triangle Shirtwaist style

Setting fires all over

Imma run these clowns

Like Terre Haute Clabbers soda

Like TRizzle ran Nicaragua

And then we’re gonna own this shit

Get mean on their productions

Breaking chains like treaties

Cause this ain’t no League of Nations

It’s a League of Millions

Cracking all over these Pinkertonians